Nobody Cares
by Cynical-Sweetheart
Summary: (Completed w/ possible sequel) Professor Snape tries to access the Marauder’s map only to be riddiculed with Yo Momma jokes R&R!
1. Yo Momma!

A/N: I thought this plot would leave you dying on the floor so that's why I came up w/ it. Nothing concrete and I know the spelling bites so get over yourselves with the silly flames. I don't own any characters in HP, they all belong to JK Rowling.  
  
Snape sat in his office after all of the students had left for summer vacations. He smiled at himself for living through one more miserable year of dealing with pompous silly little brats. He'd wring their little necks if he had to see any of them during vacation. Especially that Potter and his gang. Snape loathed that boy with passion. He loathed him almost as much as he loathed the little piece of tattered parchment. He looked around his office and closed the door. Sitting back in his seat, he picked up his wand from the desk and spoke to the parchment.  
  
"Show yourself, silly parchment!" Snape said a bit loud.  
  
The parchment did nothing and so he repeated himself. Only this time, he shook the paper violently as drips of saliva escaped the corners of his mouth.  
  
Curly green writing appeared on the paper with a note from a familiar person  
  
Moony writes: Is that you, you old git? Still trying to access the Marauder's map? Well, you can just forget about it. I wouldn't let a slime ball like you ever read the secrets of this map, so pooh on you.  
  
With this, more writing appeared.  
  
Padfoot writes: I agree with Moony. Any old scrooge who had nothing better to do than try to access a silly harmless map should be deemed a slime ball. Only, I'd like to add that the silly old git smells like old Limburger cheese with the stench of a Slytherine's quidditch robes.  
  
"I do not smell! I demand that you show Professor Snape this map immediately.  
  
Prongs writes: Just because you don't smell your own wretched stench doesn't mean everybody else is exempted from sniffing your foul odor.  
  
Wormtail suggests that Professor Snape take a long bath. With Lysol and Clorox bleach, however. Did I neglect to mention his mother is so fat she tripped over Wal-Mart, flew over K-Mart and landed on Target?  
  
Moony writes: No dear Wormtail. I believe the correct joke is that his mother is so stupid, she tried to drown his pet goldfish with a drowning spell.  
  
"My mother is not fat or dumb! I'll have you know that your mothers are so ugly-"  
  
Prongs writes that Mr. Snape has no good comebacks. He'd also like to tell Professor Snape that his training bra is gettinh much to small. Snape looked down at his robe and fury rose in his eyes "I do not wear training bras-anymore."  
  
At this, Snape put the parchment down and went to grab something to eat.  
  
A/N: I had to end the chapter somewhere! Deal w the stupid ending. Chapter two will be up soon. R&R plz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. Please?

A/N: Hey, I'm back w/ chapter two. I know chapter one was short, but I only had the intent of getting you all interested. Besides.short stories captivate the imagination (whatever)  
  
Snape walked back into his office with a crumpet and tea. He absolutely hated crumpets and tea because they were stereotypical, but that was all Dumbledore had left in the school to offer. He sat in his seat and reluctantly looked at the parchment. The map had still not shown itself to him and he was getting angry by just looking at the darn thing. Suddenly, Snape had an idea.  
  
"Oh dear Mauraders, would you let me see the map -er," Snape held is breath and gulped hard, "please?"  
  
Writing flooded the piece of parchment  
  
Moony writes: Professor Snape said please. Please? As if we'd let him see it anyway. The stupid moron!  
  
Professor Snape came back even more moody than before. He'd gone to the banquet hall in hopes of finding a meal to eat. Instead, he was offered tea and crumpets. Who in their friggin right mind wants to eat something called a crumpet, Snape asked himself. He locked his office door again when genius struck him with a solution, a solution about that Marauder's map.  
  
"Professor Snape wants to know if he can see the Marauder's Map -er," He paused gulping air hard "Please?"  
  
Writing spluged upon the parchment rapidly.  
  
Moony dies of laughter and has spasms upon the floor. Is Professor Snape truly that stupid? Why in the hell would we let him see our map.  
  
Padfoot wets his pants and says that Professor Snape is a moron. Please? Ha! Are you kidding me you old snake?  
  
Wormtail asks his fellow Marauders to have compassion. After all, the man did say please. And with such feeling in his voice too. And the Oscar goes to-  
  
Prongs tells Wormtail to shut up and that Professor Snape should keep his lousy day job because he has the face only a mother could love.  
  
Moony says he's seen the Professor in a movie before. -Er, what was it? Ah yes, The Planet of the Apes.  
  
"I'll show all of you! I am no primate! You will all rot for this, all of you," Snape yelled smiling insanely as he walked out of the office  
  
A 


	3. Burn!

Snape came back into the office holding something behind his back and a smile full of malice upon his lips. He locked the office door and showed what he had in his hands to the map: A gallon of kerosene and a lighter.  
  
"Oh Marauders, I brought you a little gift!" He said in an evil singsong voice.  
  
Writing reluctantly appeared on the paper.  
  
Moony writes for all of the Marauders when he says nobody gives a s***.  
  
Prongs adds that any surprise Snape might have must be either laced with poison, ready to explode or has something to do with that dog he calls 'mother'.  
  
Wormtail asks if anone notices that insane grin on Professor Snape's face. And what is that he's holding. It isn't -er, has he gone mad?  
  
"You couldn't work with me so now you will burn! Burn, burn, burn! Muhahahahaha!"  
  
Padfoot says the man is mad! Mad I tell you!  
  
Just then, Professor Albus Dumbledore walked into Snape's office with a lock-opening spell. He opened the door to see Snape pouring kerosene on the parchment and laughing madly.  
  
"Severus, I trust everythingis -er, okay?"  
  
Professor Snape spun on his heels and faced the Headmaster.  
  
"Dumbledore! I was just practicing for -er."  
  
"Severus, I had just come to announce that the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is now available and you were deemed a worthy candidate because of your -er sanity and ability to cope with issues. But after just witnessing this, I believe you need a vacation. A long vacation to a padded cell."  
  
"WHAT!?! But headmaster, I am overqualified"  
  
"And obviously overwhelmed. I'm sorry Severus. Maybe another year."  
  
With that, Dumbledore left the office turning occasionally over his shoulder.  
  
Snape stood there and began to twitch on the floor until Madame Pomfrey was called to send the man to the nursery. Dumbledore and McGonagall stood in awe at the scene of Snape being dragged away by the school nurse while having seizures.  
  
"Do you reckon he knows it was just a prank?"  
  
"Who cares," asked McGonagall trying to retain her laughter.  
  
"Nobody cares," Professor Dumbledore assured himself and the two teachers ran away laughing hysterically 


	4. ThankYou's

So, what did you think? My friends say that if I continue on Fan fiction.com to stick with funny because it's what I do best. I sort of got bored when writing my serious first novel, but I find that I do funny very well and people respond to it without my nagging. So, ready for a sequel? Okay. Maybe not, but I'll most defiantly be posting some more funny Harry Potter fan fictions so be on the look out. Special thanks to those who reviewed and enjoyed themselves because it only boosts my already too high ego. Okays then, holler back young ones! Hey, that sounds like a plot-Harry From the Block: The Ghetto Harry Potter Story. But really, thanks a quadrillion! Your reviews make me a better person (not!) 


End file.
